I have been a Uni student for 11 weeks. Next week marks week 12 and the end of formal classes. I wish I had the right words to sum up the vast array of emotions experienced. I’ve had two major meltdowns/moments of doubt. Fort those moments I didn’t think I would get through it. Was never prepared to throw it all in, but wondered for a split moment if I was right for this.

Half of my results have come back and so far I’m in the top end of doing well. I do understand that not all of my assessment pieces will be that awesome but I do not to take stock of the greatness I’ve achieved thus far. I will need to have a strategy in place to try and stay calm and logical when those moments arrive because the first couple of blows I fear will bruise me severely.

I made an effort to make my dinner this evening. Searched high and low for my Symply Too Good books. Eventually found them. There was a dish I had been wanting to try since purchasing the books a few years back. Chicken a la Queen. While I botched up the process only slightly, it actually tasted really well. I halved the ingredients and there’s still heaps left over. I had a small-ish serving on my plate and I am so full.

Making an effort to eat better is good for the soul. It’s bloody hard work, though. So many temptations!! I can do it.

Next, sign up at the gym again and stick to it!

I am lower than pathetic. Whatever that may be.

I require validation. I require a lot of support. I require a sounding board. Attention.

The list goes on.

I have spent my entire weekend at home. I am lamer than lame.

I am so frustrated within myself.

One of my friends is depressed. I hate knowing she’s depressed and knowing I can’t do a lot to help. I also know that while someone is in a state, the only thing you can do is let them vent, cry, scream or whatever they need to do. No one can force you out of it. Can only highlight the positives and hope it doesn’t spark more negatives. I know because I battle it.

This battle used to occur daily. It progressed to weekly and then monthly. Some months are worse than others. You can feel 100% fine one minute and in the fetal position the next. I’d like to call it a disease, really. It’s treatable but not at the same time. You can only come up with coping mechanisms to make the blows seem less so. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t.

When you’re in it, it’s so hard to articulate how you’re feeling. So you cry. It’s the only way you can express it. When you’re out of that state it’s even harder to articulate. I know when I’m all bubbly and happy again I find it so hard to believe I was in such a state. I know I was in it but it seems like a distant memory, until that same memory slams back in your face again, rearing it’s ugly head. Depression sucks. Not everyone feels it and if some people do they refuse to acknowledge it. Yes depression is a bad thing but hiding from it does no good, either.

Belinda and I have taken a vow to better our health, mind and body. We are such an awesome team and I am blessed to have someone so supportive through this journey. This week we started eating better. We’ve always known how to do it and what to do, but sometimes you need a good kick in the bum. I feel I can really work it out good this time. It’s going to be hard, but I have someone beautiful by my side.

My journey to feeling healthier has begun…

Spent the week in Perth. Long flights both ways. Last night flew in on the red-eye. Want to post more soon, I think.

So many thoughts going on in my head.

Still feel left behind.

I always feel like I’m being left behind.

Even though I grew up emotionally relatively early, because I had to, in other areas of my life I’m a good 10 years behind.

Will I ever catch up??

I got no sleep last night. Charlotte camped out in my room and became a little restless. So restless, she SAT on my head. Not a skinny small dog is she…. So tired.

This not sleeping thing is REALLY getting to me now.

As a side note, I will be taking my laptop to Uni with me from now on. I hope it will inspire me to actually get some work done on campus… Here’s hoping!

I feel like I’m going nuts. I’m a little stressed out about all of my impending assignments and assessments.

I want to cry.

I’m not a jealous person by nature and this may appear that I am…

I don’t like being second best. Communication works best with me. Don’t ask me to read an email, a blog or a newspaper headline. Don’t ask me to watch your movie or listen to the music to get the story.

Just like I don’t like finding out information second hand. This plays on my own insecurities that I have to work on but it means I don’t feel valid in someone elses world. I love all of my friend and family if I react this strongly to stuff, I think.

Makes me a lunatic and sound possessive, though.

Frustrated and sad.